I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
