Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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