Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
