yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
