What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
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