apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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