I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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