Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
