Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
