Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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