trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
