Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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