I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
