How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
