I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
