im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
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