Whod you bang
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
