How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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