well most of my day revolves around power hour
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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