So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
