You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
