I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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