i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
