he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
