he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
