I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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