I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
