after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
