My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
