i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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