i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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