don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
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My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
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I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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