The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
