It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They took my balls.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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