if only i could text you this smell
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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