I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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