if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
