She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
