is wine microwaveable?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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