I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
