dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
