I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
