I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
