haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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