so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
