u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
