I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just want nice things and good sex
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
