I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
