That's when you crack a 10am beer
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
