Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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