grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
