i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
