remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
