She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
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Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
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They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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