I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
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