i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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