Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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