I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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