If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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