the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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