Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
